Welcome

Hey, you made it to my blog. I hope you enjoy my postings here. I only started to write again somewhat recently, when I was younger, I wrote a couple of different things that have been lost in life's shuffle. Nothing that will be missed, just little projects that were interesting to me. I was surprised then, that writing was fun and I liked to do it. I am surprised now, that I am having even more fun and that I want to get better at it. I came back to writing after being inspired by reading a dear friends blog. Thanks T. My first piece was written by candlelight, thanks to Hurricane Sandy and typed some time after we regained power days later. Admittedly, somethings are better than others and I haven't nailed anything a hundred percent yet, but I am hoping the more, and more, and more that I write, the better I can get at it. This blog is my way of motivating myself to write more and to improve. Another dear friend of mine, gave me the push and confidence to want to show other people my work. Thanks E. Now that it is out there for people to see (warts and all) maybe I can get some more feedback so that I can see what is working and what is not. Anyway, thanks for checking it out and feel free to let me know what you think, I appreciate honesty over smoke, and constructive criticism.

My Time

is my time worth less or worse yet worthless

are my hours, your seconds, easily unaccounted for

is your watch stuck, or broken just like my heart

I'd wait forever for you, and you know it.

is my love worth less or worse yet worthless

are my feelings, your second thoughts, easily shook off

is your book full, or am I the only one crossed out

I'd love you forever, and you know it

is my time worth less or worse yet useless

should I allot it elsewhere, move past your carelessness

am I the one chained to the clock, not able to move past you

don't leave me here forever

is my love worth less or worse yet useless

should I stop saving it for you, go find the deserving

am I the one that is a beggar for love, not able to fill my cup

don't let me love you forever

The Night Before

I entered this next piece into a short story competition, I didn't win, but I had a fun time writing this fictional little story.

            My girl and I had had only one huge fight before, but this was something else. This was Pearl Harbor and Nagasaki combined. It was the beginning and the end of our second great war.  I feared that this might be something that we could not come back from, the fallout being too much this time. It's true, she might have started this conflict, but I sure as hell finished it. I resorted to using my mouth, a registered weapon of mass destruction, to win and end the argument. I didn't realize it then, but it ended the relationship as well. As I sat amid the scorched earth, the thought of losing her started to cling to me like a heavy grey sweater darkened black by the driving icy rain.  It was only hours since the battle, but with zero communication from either side it felt longer. Time took what felt like eons to pass, and while it did the ever flowing tears steadily grooved paths into the landscape of my cheeks. These mighty rivers left seemingly permanent reminders of the words I said to her. For some reason, I kept asking  myself three questions over and over. Why was I so fucking stupid? Why was I so mean? Why was I so me?

            There was collateral damage everywhere, and it lay unmoved. The smashed remains of the glass she threw here, the uncountable office supplies from her desk, there. The glass, I ducked, the desk, I flipped. The apartment was a war zone and I was trying to survey the damage. In all the wreckage, there was only one object damaged that wasn't left completely fucked up beyond all recognition. The lone survivor happened to be the wall that butted up against the front door. It only received a small crack, a flesh wound really, and since the damage was only superficial I left it alone, leaving its plaster blood to gather into harmless little piles by the front door. The dust, left free to fall, mimicked the grains of time that are trapped forever inside their prison of glass. These particle imposters kept track of every minute that had passed since she slammed that very front door closed on me, on us. Why was I so stupid? Why was I so fucking mean? Why was I so me?

            I flipped Help! over to the B side on the way over to the dust pan and broom, in a move intended to end the deafening silence, while still fulfilling my solemn duty to remove the carnage from the battlefield. I was hoping the music would continue to help pass the time as I cleaned up the rest of the mess. I was also hoping it would start to act as a distraction from her and the fight. At first, I only got one out of two. Time cleaning seemed to move fairly fast, but I still found myself reliving each and every word  launched towards one another, the night before. I was also having flashbacks of all the events that left me taking these endless trips back and forth to the garbage can. Sweep, walk, dump, repeat, sweep, walk, dump, repeat. As the routine sunk in and the piles started to fade, the memories started to fade too, the music was making good on my second need. Each song distracted me a little more, until I was lulled into a false sense of security. The music knew that I was now completely vulnerable and it decided to ambush me on my final march to the kitchen. As the needle of the record player dipped into the sixth set of grooves, I immediately started taking fire from the wall-mounted machine gun speakers. The first few sound bullets perforated my shirt and grazed the skin beneath; soon enough I was taking heavy damage directly through my chest and into my heart. As I was being shredded apart my eyes focused on what was happening directly in front of me. I swear, for those two minutes and three seconds, I watched in stunned, slow motion silence as the remaining shards of broken glass and bent silver paper clips spun and twirled with each other on a vertical dance floor made of the dull, bone white plaster. These casualties of war shimmered and shined together one last time on the long final decent towards their final resting place. Sometimes the music can help, and sometimes it can kill. Yes Paul, at that moment I believed in yesterday too, and as I laid there dying, three familiar questions took me into the blackness. Why was I so stupid? Why was I so mean? Why was I so fucking me?

 

The Girl Of My Dreams

I have been working on a graphic novel.  This song was written for the book but I chose to use a different song. I liked how it came out so I figure I would share it anyway. This song was "written" by one of the main characters after a chance early meeting with another main character. This character is a teenager and is really into music, so this song was supposed to reflect his skill level as a song writer, as it takes the melody from The Beatles, A Fool on the Hill. I decided to write another song that did not borrow from another song for the book, but I just like this one too.

everyday

alone, by myself

the one I'm looking for, is staying perfectly hid

I'm really looking for her, but you know she plays it cool

she never gives a reaction

but the girl of my dreams

makes my heart beat real loud

but the one in her chest

does it make any sound

another new day

will I see her around

the one I'm looking for, is she still wearing that shroud

I can never seem to find her, my confidence starts to shake

she doesn't care or notice

that the girl of my dreams

makes my heart beat real loud

but the one in her chest

doesn't make any sound

I can't tell if she likes me

what the hell am I supposed to do

It's not like I can hide my feelings

that the girl of my dreams

makes my heart beat real loud

but the one in her chest

does it make any sound

I don't think I can give up

even though she's acting rude

how do I make her notice

that the girl of my dreams

makes my heart beat real loud

but the one in her chest

doesn't make a sound

Those Smiling Eyes

Started 5/14/2015

Finished 7/21/ 2015

I caught a glimpse of your eyes

flashing beautifully in the rearview

they left me welded to the backseat

just a spark and it was over

how can they contain so much

liquid blue and ever deep

I can see your past, and our future

swimming wildly within them

when you smile, your eyes smile too

and it's going to be the death of me

I am locked in and willing to follow

those eyes anywhere, everywhere

masterpieces, painted on a porcelain face

phthalo blue, hides patient embers

just waiting to burn me up

so intense, I want to look away, but can't

I can see your whole life in those eyes

all your pain, all your happiness

dancing and swirling around together

like the center of a marble

never have I seen such a wonder

arctic blue, but far from cold

always on and softly calling, reminiscent of

the warm glow of the front porch light

those smiling eyes of yours, those eyes are home

Keep My Heart

1/17/15

I keep my heart cold

I like it

a frozen heart will never rip

it's brittle sure

but it's dripless and less messy

keep your heat away               

even if I like it

a flame like yours is guaranteed to warm

it's cozy sure

but it's bound to flare and extinguish

I keep my heart locked

I like it

an imprisoned heart will never be stolen

it's lonely sure

but it's safe and secure

keep your escape away

even if I like it

a key like yours is guaranteed to help

it fits sure

but its bound to get me the chair

I keep my heart blind

I like it

a sightless heart will never yearn

it's dark sure

but it's oblivious and happy

keep your light away

even if I like it

a beacon like yours is guaranteed to shine

it's bright sure

but its bound to lead me to the rocks

I keep my heart hard

I like it

a strong heart will never cry

it's tough sure

but it's beating and healthy

keep your softness away

even if I like it

a bed like yours is guaranteed to relax

it's comfy sure

but it's bound to leave me unsupported

Losing Sleep

8/31/13

you toss and turn

and your heart still burns

on the fact

you have been losing sleep

because your mind still creeps

to the fact you may never find her

you stay up all night

trying to extinguish the light

on the fact

you stay awake

because you just can’t shake

the fact you may never find her

and you have been losing

sleep thinking about how you lost her

and I don’t think you’ll find

her or sleep anytime soon

you can’t find rest

because it’s hard to digest

the fact

it’s hard to close your eyes

because you can’t disguise

the fact you may never find her

you can’t take naps

because your mind just snaps

to the fact

you have been awake for days

but your focus stays

on the fact you may never find her

and you have been losing

sleep thinking about how you lost her

and I don’t think you’ll find

her or sleep anytime soon

you gotta get to bed

so get it outta your head

the fact

you are going to tire

so let your feelings expire

on the fact you may never find her

No Rainbows

8/6/13

it has stopped raining for now

and all seems calm, but

there are still drops on

the window panes

no rainbows after a storm like this

I needed the rain for the drought,

but the thunder and lightning I

could have done without

no major damage from the

howling wind, a few loose

singles but my foundation

remains

no rainbows after a storm like this

I needed the rain for the drought,

but the thunder and lightning I

could have done without

caught most of the drips with

buckets and pans, where it hit

the floor, you will no doubt find

water stains

no rainbows after a storm like this

I needed the rain for the drought,

but the thunder and lightning I

could have done without

it has stopped raining for now

and all seems calm, but

there are still drops

on the window panes

on the window panes

(it all seems calm)

but there are still drops on

the window panes

Ain't Comin Back

7/23/13

you wake to find the ghost

of one of her brown hairs on

your black pillowcase

she was just here, but

now she is gone and

she ain’t coming back

her side of the bed is

still warm but her heart has

turned cold, ice cold for you

she was just here, but

now she is gone and

she ain’t coming back

she took all of her clothes

leaving you to find the skeleton

hangers that signal her decision to leave

she was just here, but

now she is gone and

she ain’t coming back

you can still smell her perfume

in the air that she hasn’t

been in now for awhile

she was just here, but

now she is gone and

she ain’t coming back

you’d give anything to taste

her last kiss on your lips, but

the flavor is gone, so very gone

she was just here, but

now she is gone and

she ain’t coming back

she ain’t coming back

And His Name Is

3/11/13

his heart hides low in an allay

as a shadow amongst the dark

patiently waiting for the right light

to cast its shape upon the graffitied bricks of love

until this day comes

this heart will continue to beat

in the pattern of its owners name

his heart hides deep in a box

as a jewel amongst the trinkets

patiently waiting for the right appraiser

to set its value apart from the costume jewelry of love

until this day comes

this heart will continue to beat

in the pattern of its owners name

his heart hides quietly in a library

as a tome amongst the shelves

patiently waiting for the right reader

to value its truth over a fictionalization of love

until this day comes

this heart will continue to beat

in the pattern of its owners name

and his name is lone-ly, lone-ly, lone-ly

and his name is lonely

Forever and a Day

2/23/13

I walk right in, you are at the bar

you're singing along to my favorite song

I fall in love with you from afar

but the feeling doesn't last

when you turn, you look right past

and I'm stuck to feel this way

for how long? forever and a day

some time goes by, but there you are

you're with your friends, at the bar

my recent wound had no time to scar

in fact I'm still ripped up

you barely take your eyes off your cup

and I'm stuck with nothing to say

for how long? forever and a day

I see you again, this time for sure

I'll gather my courage at the grocery store

I want to say, I can't resist your allure

but I never took the chance

there goes another failed romance

and I'm stuck here to decay

for how long? forever and a day

5 Apologies

1/20/13

  

this apology is a worn out snare

far too used up, and in need of repair

its repetition alone makes me stare

down at the floor, and over to the chair   

I won't meet your eyes, I'll avoid their glare

wait, you said it again, how could you dare

this apology is a bitter veil

thin as parchment, but heavy like chain mail

its familiar effects will leave me frail

battered and bruised no time to exhale

constant offender, you belong in jail

what, you said it again, how could you fail

this apology is a bent cork screw

rusty as hell, on my heart it will chew

its uselessness obvious, very see thru

damage worse, then any help it could do

I love you baby, but this is not new

you said it again, why can't you stay true

this apology is a blackened vise

menacing and cruel, a torture device

its crushing affect is not very nice

I'm between its jaws and paying the price

your using it proves your colder than ice

you said it again, you didn't think twice

this apology, like snow in July

is hard to believe, it's a total lie

its strong effect makes it hard to deny

that I'm in bad shape that I want to die

was nothing to you, didn't even cry

you said it again, but this is goodbye  

Another Path

10/29/12

I want to show her, but I'm afraid to let her see.
the person who is inside, the person who is me.
it's not that I'm ashamed, or that I have something to hide
its just, what will she do with my heart, once she's seen inside?

I've been down this all too familiar path before,
I know how this can end. I don't want her to destroy my heart
and I don't want to be her friend.

I have counted my chips, and raised the bet, and now its up to you.
will you call my raise, show your cards, and continue this hand on through?
are you going to fold this hand, and end the game, well before the hour?
The action falls squarely on you now girl, you've got the power.

I've been down this long and dusty path before,
and I know how this can end. I'll be giving her the power
to break my heart, but I want to be more than a friend.

when I don't know how she feels about me,
it's hard to share how I'm feelin'
she might answer with, I love you too,
she might leave my heart a-bleedin'
This guessing game is killing me, and I wonder
if she knows it. If she does indeed have feelings for me,
is it as hard for her to show it?  

I've been down this love torn path before,
but this time how will it end? Will she take the fork
towards my heart, or the one towards being my friend?

I have finally found my courage, this is it,
this is will be the night.
I will finally confess my love for her,
and hope everything will be alright.
Either way my mind will be free, and maybe I'll be able to sleep.
These last few nights my brain feels like a tea bag left too long to steep.

I'm sprinting down the path now,
eager to see if she is at the end.
I hope she will share her heart with me,
I don't need another friend.

The table is set, in more ways than one,
and the conversation is going as planned.
as soon as she finishes her thought,
I will reach out and take her hand.
I will look deep into her eyes,
and ask to be her man.
no matter how she answers, I'll be ready to understand.
I'll be hoping for a yes, because I know how hard no's land.

The path is crumbling behind me,
I must continue to the end.
I'm opening the valve to my heart,
don't close it, to be my friend

This is it, I tell myself and reach out to touch her hand,
but before I make the connection, things don't go as planned.
She starts talking about a man,
and I can see it in her eyes.
this is the man that she cares for,
and something inside of me dies.

I've journeyed down another path now.
I've made it, this is the end.
I'll just sweep up my heart now,
and of course, I will be your friend.